Jules is comin'!

Today was a good day, I spent half of it on the phone with Jules. She's coming to stay a week with me!! I need a week with Jules to pick up my spirits. She always makes me laugh!! We talked about going down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras!! Can you picture me at Mardi Gras???? Holy shit!! I've been to New Orleans before but not for Mardi Gras, I was there on my way to Las Vegas.

I did laundry while I was on the phone, mine and daddy's then over to Aunt Gaynelle's and did hers and Jessica's. Aunt Gaynelle will pay me $15 for it and I need that for beer money. I can't wait for Jules to get here I want to go on our trip so bad! Jessica loves the baby clothes I'm redoing for her. She put a sleep shirt on a little hanger and hung it on a hook on her wall by her bed. So sweet:) It makes me feel helpful.

I'm going out tonight to this little bar near Bobby Jack's house. Terri's gonna be up there shootin' pool for money and I guess I'll hang out with her. I'll know half if not all the people up there anyhow so there will be someone to talk to. I get so tired of just sitting here smoking cigarettes and watching TV. Trixie needs to be fed so I'll take care of that and cook daddy his pork chops. Maybe daddy will give me some money for beer? He'll most certainly give Trixie the bones!

$1 Lingerie

Howdy from Kentucky....

This places wears on you like tight corduroys, rough. I sit and smoke cigarettes and look forward to drinking beer on the porch. Today I'll cook for daddy again but Aunt Gaynelle is going to dinner at Jimmy's mommas house. Their all looking forward to the baby now. I ain't looking forward nothing. Of course the baby being born but that's 3 months away. Danny's having a blast in Orlando, he said he guessed all along Jessica was pregnant. I wish I was with Danny having fun. I did get to go to the dollar store today. Did you know they sell $1 lingerie? Of all things to buy for a dollar!

Trixie is gonna be my dog I think. Daddy's friend found work up in Virginia and won't be back for three months. I like her anyway. I'm sick of the damn cold too. I think I'm just sick of everything. Bobby Jack stopped by with a bag of baby clothes for Jessica, his momma made him bring them over. I borrowed Aunt Gaynelle's sewing machine and I'm redoing some of them to make them new. It's all I can do for her right now. I'll get some embroider thread and stitch baby on them so they are special. I'd make such a good wife If I could stand a man!!

The water has settled, the stream is clear.

Well things around here are getting back to normal. Jessica finally come out of her room and cried to me and her momma till she was sure we still loved her. It's okay now, we'll take care of the baby as long as she stays in school. Jimmy's momma was upset at first too, that's the baby daddy. She's okay now too, looking forward to a new baby in the Spring. It's still a shock, I mean hell, she's ain't but 16! Terri is trying to organize a baby shower for her at the Pizza Hut Jessica works at. Something simple, with her girlfriends. I'm gonna make paper butterflies to decorate with, learned how to do that in high school before I dropped out.

I tried to get a job today at this BBQ place in Lexington. They're always so busy and I figured they'd be hiring waitress's but they said they was just taking applications. I'm never gonna get a damn job! The Pizza Hut where Jessica works ain't hiring, no place is I swear I've been everywhere! Jessica said her friend Monique got a job working with a temporary service going to different places everyday. Sounds like my kinda work, so I'm going there tomorrow. I need money and I have got to find a job!

A babies to hold, a beer to put down.

Hello beer. I just thought we should spend some time together. We need to stop meetin' up like this, you are no good for me!

I'm not too drunk to write a quick note about yesterday. Everyone came over for dinner which was delicious, anyhow Terri showed up and acted like a bitch and I had been drinking and I told her how I felt about the pickle thing from Christmas. She'd been drinkin' and to make along story short we almost fought. Then Terri said something smart about Jessica gaining weight and the next thing we all know Jessica ended up telling us she's 6 months pregnant! Oh lordy, lordy my baby is having a baby! You know she's not really my baby, she's really Terri's baby but Aunt Gaynelle raises her as her daughter. This is the kinda shit that people talk about saying white trash or hillbillies or redneck country people!

So needless to say I've been drunk since this news come out. Daddy just shook his head and walked outside. We all had such high hopes for Jessica. My beer fills and empties and the truth of the matter is nothing has changed. Jessica won't talk to anyone, she's been in her room since last night. The good thing about this is we all got a baby to look forward too! A baby that needs all of us to grow up!

So sometime tonight I'll stop drinking, walkover to Aunt Gaynelle's and talk to Jessica. We're all gonna be alright. We can raise this baby, and she can still be everything she was looking forward to being. Maybe this is just what I need to grow up! Is this why I'm here?

Sunday dinner planed.

Spending time here is making me go crazy. Last night I charged up my phone and tried to call Bill the guy I met in Texas with the RV. His phone rang and rang and when a girl picked up she seemed bothered when I asked for Bill. She quickly told me he was asleep and if I was one of his "whores" to lose his number! Jumpin' beans I was just calling to say hello! Was I one of his whores? I never slept with Bill??? We had dinner and I did his laundry! I'm calling him again today and see if I can catch him instead of his new girlfriend who seems to have a real problem with something! Boy I wish women like that would do that kind of thing in person! So brave behind a phone!

Trixie has been keeping me company. She lays on my feet and keeps them warm and I scratch her ears. I love dogs all animals really. Daddy helped one of his friends butcher a hog a few weeks back and for his help daddy got a nice pork roast. I'm gonna fix that today with some sweet potatoes, black eyed peas, okra and tomatoes and biscuits. Makes me so hungry just talking about it! Is this the simple life what I am, what I need to expand a little and just call my own? Collect the good days in a jar add a job, some friends, maybe a boyfriend and I'm set right?? Today I'm not letting it get me down, I'll look up and see what is fun about today and be happy with it. Just that.

Advice from the ladies room.

I saw the counselor today. It depressed me. She says I can't feel as deeply for things anymore because I've used up my dopamine. It's some brain juice that makes you happy and cocaine and meth rob that from you. Great one more thing about me is used up :( I feel stupid and trashy. This lady was dressed so nice and I looked like a fool to her. I'm not going back, I'd rather not know why things are the way they are then go through that again.

Bobby Jack came over last night. We finished a 12 pack and talked about things from the past. I've known him all my life, he's comfortable in the same way an old marriage is. You may not be happy together but it's familiar and predictable. He wanted to have sex but it's one more thing I just don't feel anymore. Why on earth would I have sex with him? He just thinks of himself like all men and I don't want that anymore. Even the body heat wasn't reason enough!

Jules has just about pissed me off. I found out she's smoking crystal and working the Richmond area. Sam has no idea. He'll go to bed and off she goes to town to trick and party and what pisses me off the most is I'm not with her. Lord how I miss the fast life. It takes so much to live it, but the experiences are the best of my life. The dreams of cocaine and crack and drinking are starting to creep up and haunt me again. A good friend reminded me of how every time I leave home all I want to do is get back here. She's right, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Is it Daddy? Jessica? This old raggedy trailer? Why can't I find my way.

What's left of my heart.

Oh lord my heart weighs heavy. I say Bobby Jack. I guess I'll never not love him. Even though he put me through hell, when I see him I feel like I'm walking on the moon. We spent all day together, just talking catching up and when he left I cried. Maybe it was just nerves, but it felt good. He said he never meant to hurt me and he left me in jail because it kept me away from him and since he was smoking crack, and got me smoking crack, he thought I was safer in jail.

No one has ever loved me but Bobby Jack and daddy of course. He still does I can tell, but he's no good for me. I know this but I can't help but think of him constantly. I tried to call Jules but her damn phones been busy for an hour. Danny said to be strong and just ignore my feeling, it's just not gonna happen. Danny said he's no good either at least not for me.

Taking off to Florida was suppose to be a new life for me and Bobby and it ended up being the worse thing ever. We were going to get married and have a baby. My mind sure was messed up. I've been through so much since then and I feel like I've grown up and matured but seeing him brings me right back. I'll always love him. No one can take his place.